What Defines Me

Well it's easy to say what DOESN'T define me, so let's start with that.

1) The scale. You don't define me. Heck, you don't even have words. You have numbers. And unlike "The Phantom Tollbooth", when it comes to definitions, words are WAY better than numbers. The best you can do is tell me where I am in my journey, not my value or my importance or my spirit. You can't measure my personality or my sense of humor. I only use you because I need a yardstick to check my growth (or should I say loss) status.

2) My weight. I am more than a number, (see above if you're one who likes to skip). That just shows how much of me there is to love, not who I am. I'm a small person with a big personality and that's not going to change no matter what I weigh. I'd like to believe that my weight is not the sole measuring tool by which my value as a human being is measured.

3) Food. What I eat or don't eat or drink or don't drink is my choice. Cheeseburgers don't launch themselves at my unwilling lips while my hands remain tied to my hips. No one is holding a diet coke to my face and forcing me to drink it. So, as long as I eat what I choose and deal with it, food doesn't own me or define me.

So what does define me? That's easy. It's my life .... my kids, my family, my friends, my martial arts school. It's my spirit. It's the drive that keeps me doing taekwon-do when I can't walk without a limp. It's the push that helps me stay up late so I can work 3 jobs, raise 2 kids, manage 1 martial arts school and a house, pick up and carpool and yeah... by the way, exercise, remember to get the RIGHT kids at the RIGHT place at the RIGHT time. It's energy. Positive energy. So maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm pollyanna-ish. Maybe I'm just not seeing how lousy the world really is or how little water is in my cup. I DON"T CARE!

I don't look at how much more I have to lose... I celebrate every ounce gone!

Goals versus Journeys

I keep reading people's posts about goals. They have short term goals, long-term goals, and they seem to invest much of their sense of success in achieving those goals according to their plans. And please, I'm not an expert. Never claimed to be. I get that for some people, not having a goal to strive for simply doesn't work. I'm not trying to TELL you what to do... I just want to share what's working for me. In case it helps somebody.

I think maybe it's part of human nature... we want to be working towards something, trying to reach out and control our destinies a little bit and striving towards a tangible measurable result.

And, to be honest, in the past when I've tried to lose weight... I've done it too. I've had plans to lose xx pounds by yy event or be this weight by summer or fit into that dress by this party. And sometimes I made it, and that was great. But when I didn't? When I missed the mark, or life got in the way, or even if I became CONVINCED I wasn't going to miss the mark?

Well just THINKING I wasn't going to achieve my goal was enough to wreck my plans, throw me off my game and in some cases, give up altogether. Since I had set the goal, it seemed only fitting that if I wasn't going to reach it (Not getting into whether that goal was realistic or reasonable or even fair), why bother to try at all.

Then when I lost weight without even really trying (Thank you Taekwon-Do), 10 years ago, it hit me... I didn't have an goal I was invested in other than getting better at this art I came to love. I wasn't TRYING to lose weight and yet it was coming off. My goals were to manage my time, control my calendar.. and make it to class. And as long as I made it to class, the weight came off.

So how is that relevant to this situation, after all... weight didn't just creep back on by itself... nope. It brought friends.

Am I setting goals? Nope. Decided when I joined up that to set a series of weight-loss calendar goals for myself and make an arbitrary decision about how I was going to define success was a recipe for failure for me. So I, instead, chose to just ask MFP to create a calorie plan for me based on a concept (not a goal, just a concept) that I'd like to lose about a pound a week. And if I did, great, and if I didn't well that was going to be fine too. As long as I was on the right track.

I'm loving the control and ownership I have. Not over my scale, but over my meals. Not over where I'll be in one month or two or a year, but over what I chose to eat. Not over when I lose it by, or how long it takes, but over how much I WANT to lose.

For me, so far, it's working.

Testing 1.... 2.... 3

So it's always interesting when I tell people what I do. Former (recovering) attorney? People tend to snicker and giggle. I don't blame them.

Part-time stay-(at home) in the car mom? Cause goodness knows.... I spent WAY more time in my car than I do at home. This one has to get here.. that one there.... which kid am I taking where again?

Contract resume writer? Now that one usually gets eyebrows raised. Really... you write resumes... from home. Isn't that a scam? Nope it's real. Been doing it for just over 5 years. I actually enjoy it a lot.

And my personal favorite... Martial Arts school owner, and instructor. Wait... WHAT? Yup. Best. Job. Ever.

We opened our little school in March of 2005 when I was a high red belt. For those of you who don't know, that is the last of the color belts in the Taekwon-Do rank system (and there are 9 degrees of black belt beyond that). I tested for 1st degree balack belt in 2005 in the fall. Then in 2007, I tested for 2nd degree black belt. I was supposed to wait 2 years but I wasn't in a rush... and you know the rest of the story.

So when my instructor told me to get ready because she was planning to test me in April, I threw up a little in my mouth with fear got down to business as soon as I could. Step One: Relearn ALL my patterns in a modified way so i could still teach them properly but I could actually do them in a way that I could manage. Step 2: Make less of me so that my poor foot didn't have to work QUITE so hard to hold so much of me up (joining MFP came in here). Step 3: Get out on the floor and train.

Now, most people who are better than math than I am might have realized I said I was supposed to wait two years... but somehow I managed to stretch it to 5. And I was REALLY okay with that. I wasn't in a rush. And to my way of thinking, rank isn't how I define myself. I'm way more than a belt. Trust me.

BUT... my instructor says "You're testing"... and then drops the bombshell... and by the way, someone high ranking may be here. Hope you like surprises.

I hate surprises. By the time Saturday night had rolled around, I had convinced my hubbie we needed to move to Canada. Like... now. Immediately. Or to be honest, I hadn't convinced HIM, but I had convinced myself that I had convinced him. (P.S. the Test was Saturday).

Sunday came and I was literally shaking with fear (which oddly enough doesn't burn any calories?) before my test. But my friends pushed me.. literally they PUSHED me out on the floor and I survived and succeeded. In front of an 8th Degree Senior Master. Who I adore and who flew in to surprise me. AND I WAS (especially because his wife and he kept posting things on facebook which were true but which led me to believe he couldn't possibly be coming....)

But I did it. And I passed. And I even got a couple of chuckles out of the test board (which I appreciated because lord knows if I have any talent at all, it's in funny). And although I choked a couple times, and although my technique... well... STINKS because of my balance issues, I passed. And I've never been prouder.

See, I haven't just lost 14 lbs on this journey. I got rid of some fear and faced my test board. The weight is over. I am now a 3rd degree black belt.