Who Put the Break in Spring? Or... why having kids home makes food choices challenging

There are 4 seasons. I'm sure of it. Well, in Michigan, there might only be two. Winter...and Road Construction. But in the rest of the universe/world, there are supposedly 4 seasons. I've heard them referred to sporadically in terms of Fall, Winter, Summer and Spring.

In the "Winter" season come many holidays for many faiths which involve a) children being home from school and b) food and dining opportunities that present many challenges to many people. But truly, I get that one. The Winter holiday season embraces family togetherness, which often invites stress, and with all that food around, sometimes it's the only way to keep ones mouth full enough to NOT SAY the thing they know will be recorded and come back to bite them.

BUT IT"S SPRING. And yet, with 2 kids home for 10 days (or was it 11), there is a whole new host of food crises on the horizon. And I'm not talking about Chocolate Bunnies or Chocolate covered matzah (depending on your religious preferences). I'm talking about the 1,352 daily meals that suddenly people are eating. IN MY HOUSE. ALL THE TIME....

And I'm the first to admit. I'm a kids' food fan. You set out hot dogs, hamburgs, grilled cheese, tomato soup? I'm there. And my kids are seriously ridiculously skinny. Which genes they inherited from their "still fits into the pants we got married in 20 years ago" father. I mean, don't get me wrong. I still fit into the pants I wore around the time of our wedding.... just these days its with my ARMS!

So the super slim boys are constantly grazing. Which is great because I want them to have full unfettered access to the healthy foods and snacks in the house. I WANT them to eat and gain weight. The healthy way. BUT.... I'm apparently genetically incapable of just walking by an assortment of perfectly healthy snacks without the calories leaping out of the fruit and onto my hips. Apparently there's a code somewhere in calories land (kind of like cats that realize you're allergic to them so they choose you) that makes a magnetic attraction to people who are fighting them.

So during my kids' time home from school, I will enjoy every moment I get to spend with them. And I will encourage them to eat healthy foods all day long because their nutritional needs are primary to me. But I'm going to have a long talk with the foods in the kitchen.

Yeah, bananas... I mean you. I know about your potassium and such and I'm all about you being here in the house. I'll enjoy your presence and if I consume you, will happily claim your calories as my own. But don't be doing some weird food transfer to me just because I'm doing dishes. Otherwise, I'll make you into bread. Kapishe?

How do I wear my "Big Girl" panties and "deal with it" when they won't stay up? (NSV)

So, for years now, I've been a fan of the phrase "Put on your Big Girl panties and deal with it"... seems to sum up what I mean about learning to accept adversity with grace and style....

Yesterday, I wrote a blog post that honestly made me giggle. Excessively. Because I was able to play with words. I love words. Especially with friends. ;)

And I talked about all the positive things I had gained since joining MFP. What? You say? Gained? But I joined MFP to lose! And lose, I have... in terms of weight.

But as I read the comments, I honestly was so pleased that so many of you enjoyed what I had to say that I decided to write the blog post I've been avoiding for the last few days. Because I wasn't 100% sure that I wanted to share THIS particular NSV with you all.

But since in the words of Sally Fields "You like me.... You really like me"... here goes.

I am assertive, confident, and strong. I control my destiny, my attitude, and my eating habits. I am loud and boisterous and live life with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the shopping cart. I'm a Mom of 2 amazing boys, wife to a wonderful husband, and my life is full of amazing friends. I'm a 2nd (soon to be 3rd) degree black belt. I am one of the owners of a martial arts school where family comes first and friends become family. I think I handle adversity pretty darn well considering I destroyed my foot in an unfortunate incident a year and a half ago. I don't let anything get me down.

But, please.... don't ask me to put my Big Girl panties on and deal with it... cause THEY DON"T FIT ANYMORE! ;) Guess I'll have to learn to deal with stuff like Spongebob does... in Bikini Bottom instead! ;)

Gaining instead of losing... MFP from the inside out

I joined MFP on 1/12/12 hoping to lose some weight.

I'm sure you joined for the same reason.

And instead of just losing weight, I've gained. LOTS. Way more than I ever even considered as a possibility.

I've gained:

1) Friends. There. I've said it. I've heard MFP referred to (unflatteringly but in my opinion entertainingly) as "Facebook for the heavyset crowd". But here on MFP, I've met folks from around the world who are fighting the same fight I am. They are of all shapes and sizes, all walks of life, all religions, and all here to help each other through what at times can be a difficult battle to fight alone. Seems to me that the United Nations would be a WHOLE different kettle of fish if you were able to harness the power of MFP... but that's a story for another day.

2) Knowledge. Again, I THOUGHT I knew how to diet. I've done 'em all. From weekly meetings to meals without starch to grapefruit to cookies, I've tried every diet under the sun. What I NEVER had before? Was a true understanding of how and why calories work. And how many I need. And what exercise actually does for me. And how the whole nutritional balance works.

3) Readers. Yup, you guys. You keep me coming back and coming up with great ideas for new blog posts. Sure, some of them end up getting accidentally deleted because I forget to hit "save post" instead of "add post".... but I SO appreciate you taking the time to read the silly words my brain spits out.

4) Confidence. Not that I lacked this one before... I am kind of known for having it. In spades. Or clubs. Or diamonds. Just not usually known for... well... hearts. But this confidence is different. It's a confidence of being able to say I KNOW what I can afford to eat. Which allows me to choose to walk away when the bank account is low.

5) Flexibility. I NEVEr dreamed in a million years I'd be able to go out to eat when I was trying to lose weight. And, admittedly, it's not always easy to find restaurants and/or menu choices that fit inside my calorie/nutrition goal limits. But it IS possible. And having a smart phone makes the food database ALWAYS accessible. It means I can go anywhere and find something I can work with.

6) A healthier relationship with the scale. I used to dread getting on it every week and try to justify the cost of meetings with the results on the scale. So if I KNEW the scale was going to be going up, I would probably end up talking myself out of going to the meeting and before I knew it... I was back on the chipwagon again. NOW, on the other hand, the scale is just a buddy that helps me keep some perspective. Of course, most of my buddies see me in far more clothing...

7) Warm Fuzzies from being able to celebrate my friend's accomplishments and achievements, supporting them when they struggle, and sharing ideas.

So with all that I've gained... what have I lost? At last count, 12 lbs in 80+ days. I've lost some of my cravings, I've lost my interest in certain foods since learning what they actually cost me, and I've lost my attitude about food.

These days, food isn't my enemy or my comfort. It's just energy for my engine. :)

Weighty Matters & Busted Myths

So here I am, 75 days into my new lifestyle choice and almost 12 lbs less than when I started. Now anyone who knows me knows that my math skills are so bad as to be legendary but now that the kids are home I can confirm the /following. 75 days (roughly) equals 10 weeks (remember I haven't weighed in yet this week so I'm not counting it. 12 lbs over 10 weeks equals 1.2 pounds per week.

My goal when I started MFP was to lose a pound per week. And that, my friends, I have done. Feels pretty awesome... but it got me to thinking about all the tricks I used to use to "justify" my food choices. Do any of them sound familiar?

1) I'll only eat a handful and call it an ounce. Now I'm not one to measure every morsel, but I KNOW there are some constants. And a handful becomes a handful and a half... and before you know it, the bag is empty. These days I either buy single serve or use a scoop.

2) The salt I ate yesterday means I'm retaining water today... so I shouldn't weigh in. Ahhh... there's a tough one. On the one hand, if not weighing in is going to get you MORE motivated to get back on track, waiting a day is certainly not the end of the world... but I know for ME, waiting one day is going to make it easier to wait another and another. So I'll log it weekly, even if my weight goes up, just to stay honest. That's how I win that little head game.

3) Since I don't know EXACTLY what was in it, I will choose the lowest calorie option from the food database. Okay, I was out and a ate a Hamburger at the Dew Drop Inn. Now I know a McD's burger is only $#$#$ calories and a Fuddrucker's Burger is ($(*%($*%$( calories and there's the one little entry on MFP's database that just says Burger. 5 calories. YES, I CAN choose that one and then continue to eat the fries and drink my beer and convince myself I'm staying under... OR I can look for the burger with the HIGHEST number of calories and pick that and see what I really have a budget left for. I for one would always rather OVERESTIMATE on calories and UNDERESTIMATE on exercise. That way it's lose/lose on both ends and I get to LOSE more!

4) Well since I knew I was going to go over on my calories at this restaurant not listed in MFP I just didn't log it. Now this is totally a personal choice and I respect people on both sides of the aisle for handling it the way that works for them. FOR ME, however, I HAVE to log it. Because apparently I am incapable of seeing just how much food went down my gullet if I don't log it. And I am someone that could clean out a chinese buffet line, and if I didn't log it, then head to the movie theater and eat an entire bucket of popcorn. JUMBO sized. And not think anything of it. Because if I hadn't logged it, in my head, somehow, it wouldn't count. And I think for me it should.

5) That you HAVE to drink 8 glasses of water. There. I've said it. I have NOT been drinking enough water. I know it. I know I would lose MORE weight if I did. But I HATE water. With a passion that is beyond purple. It's actually more of a magenta. So I think you SHOULD drink it, but I am living proof that you CAN lose weight even if you don't.

6) That the broken cookies in the bag don't have any calories in them. Mythbusters should tackle that one professionally. Just saying.

It's a MysterEAT

It was a dark and stormy night. I was sitting behind my desk chowing through a bag of greasy snacks working on a client's file when the door suddenly opened. I jumped, quickly stashing the bag o'salt crumbs into my bottom drawer and wiping all the evidence on my shirt.

In walked a breathtakingly beautiful woman, dressed to the nines, in heels and fine clothes. The kind of woman who looks like she walked off the cover of a magazine. The kind of woman who clearly didn't belong in MY office. The kind of woman who didn't have cheerios so ingrained in the carpet of the car that they had, in fact, become a part of the car. To be honest, the kind of woman I often pretend I am in our annual holiday cards to friends and family.

I offered her a chair. She looked at the melted crayon drawings on the arms and decided to stand.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I 'm here?" she asked.

"Selling girl Scout Cookies?" was my slightly sardonic reply.

"Nice" she said and turned to go.

Because I need clients, and because I had promised the kids a trip to Disney World BEFORE they were old enough to take their own children there, I stopped her. And, although it went against my better judgment and tasted about as sour as a half-eaten lemon drop covered in dust bunnies and carpet fuzz, I apologized. But I had my fingers crossed behind my back.

I offered to shake her hand and proceeded to move the books from my "working" chair so she could sit without exposing herself to the germs my precious living petrie dishes had probably left there anyway. I didn't feel the need to inform her that chair was the spot we used to use as a diaper changing station. It just didn't feel necessary.

"Tell me your story," I said... and so she did.

"I am a happily married woman who has everything. A perfect husband, perfect life, perfect children, and a perfect home. And yet, everything isn't perfect."

"True, but if perfection is what you're after, I'm not sure I can help much. I'm just a private investigator, not a miracle worker." was my response.

"I'm.... I'm in love. And it's not with my husband.", she said, dabbing at her eyes with a monogrammed napkin. MY monogrammed napkin. Which was hand-monogrammed by the 3 year old. Crud.

"Well, that's too bad", I said, trying to subtly lean over and remove the "keepsake" from her reach before she blew her nose in it. Too late. Shoot.

"It's ... it's Amos. I can't live without him! And I need you to help me."

"Amos is your husband?" I said, writing his name down so I had something to do.

"NO... my husband is Pierpont Cuttlebutt the 3rd. AMOS is the man I am in love with. And you have to help me find him."

"What can you tell me about him?"

"He bakes the MOST delicious cookies..." and with that, I saw her sneak a couple of fingers into her dainty little briefcase and heard a rustling I recognized immediately.

"Is he rather famous?" I asked, knowing full well what the answer would be.

"Well, he seems to be" was her reply.

"Ah-ha" I said, grabbing her hand and pulling it out to examine the evidence. Yup, there it was. Chocolate brown stains all over her fingertips and a whiff of cookie dough... it was
obvious.

"This isn't love, pumpkin... it's just dessert" I said. I do so enjoy stating the obvious. "You don't want to jeopardize what you have with your family for this joker. He's on every shelf in every city.... Famous Amos gets around."

"But... but... he means everything to me!"... and with that, Mrs. C. totally fell apart. "He's there when I'm down, when I wake up, when I'm lonely or sad... he's the only one I know I can count on..."

I gave her a moment to gain some composure. Then I confessed my deep dark secret to her. "Listen, toots, I've been there. I used to have a thing for Mr. Salty. But then, I discovered a solution that works. Maybe it can help you too. It's called MFP."

"What I learned is how to find balance in my life. How to make sure I have accountability for my own choices and yes, occasionally, to have some salty treats too. But I log those choices... and it doesn't have to be anything more than a treat. Stay in your marriage, sweetie. This Amos guy... he doesn't need you. You're nothing more to him than another mouth to feed."

"Wait..." she said, snuffling through the tears. "You mean... I don't have to choose between cookies and my family?"

"Nope."

"I CAN have it all?"

"Nope. You can't have ALL of it, all of the time. You DO get to choose for yourself what matters most. And if those cookies mean enough to you, you can have them AND your family. Just not the whole bag."

She threw a couple of bills on my desk and walked out.

And that, folks, is just the beginning of the story of how Mrs. Cuttlebutt discovered true love at home, changed her relationship with food, and joined MFP. And yeah... those chips from the beginning of the story? I logged 'em. Each and every one.

The Battle of the Bulge- A Revolutionizing War

The soldier's eyes quickly checked her equipment to make sure it was all in working order.... scanned the field for easy targets, and scoured the shadows for enemies. This was no ordinary battle, and she was no ordinary soldier. She was armed with a smartphone and a food list from MFP. The fatty foods in the grocery store aisles didn't stand a chance. Her orders were... shoot to fill.

Fill her cart with healthy foods and good choices. Fill her mind with knowledge and nutritional information. Fill her body with the right levels of nutrients to keep her strength optimal, her energy levels top notch, and her spirit with positive energy. These were her missions.

Gliding silently around end-caps overflowing with processed snacks and chips, the soldier, like a ninja, swerved and swooped the cart through that minefield and safely arrived in the produce department, taking refuge among the vegetables and fruits that sheltered her.

Hidden among the celery stalks, the soldier engaged in some strategic planning taking stock of her equipment and realizing that she COULD, in fact, risk having a couple of "treats" on hand... but that would mean venturing into the heart of enemy territory.... The CHIP aisle. But, in war, sacrifices must be made.

Taking a deep breath, the Soldier launched her surprise attack. Past the potato chips, the tortilla chips, the deep fried salty treats and pork rinds, stopping only long enough in the pretzel section to grab some individuallywrapped 100 calorie treats. She didn't dare to take a breath until she reached the end of the aisle, finding comfort in the air popped popcorn.

Slightly battered and bruised from her foray into combat, the Soldier checked out of the grocery store. Yes, the fight had cost her. But the war was hers. And she was winning.

Car Keys, Mind, TV Remote, My Nerve, My Cool..... and WEIGHT... What are "Things I've Lost" today....

If life was like a game show....

We would be too busy to rummage through the pantry looking for that salty/sweet/delectable treat because we'd be too busy trying to remember what the capital of Guam is. Which, by the way, I don't know. Feel free to help.

We would get little mini prizes for every pound lost. They'd be our parting gifts for the weight (sorry to see you go, blob o'fat.. but here... take with you a lovely ironing board courtesy of Fat B Gone...)

We could phone a friend to help us when we're feeling stuck on what to eat or what not to eat....

We could poll the audience... kind of like "eat this not that" but with the helpful advice so many offer. Of course since none of them can agree, we can be assured we won't be eating. Much. Again.

We could use another lifeline... ask the grocery stores to remove 1/2 of the unhealthy food on their shelves and for restaurants to serve 1/2 of their portions and fast food restaurants to only use 1/2 of the bread.

OR, we could just keep logging on MFP, enjoy a balanced diet full of whatever suits our nutritional and enjoyment needs but keeping a careful eye on moderation and calories as well as hidden problems like sodium, etc.

Me, I'm sticking with MFP. Final answer. How about you?

Reasons I work out at home....

1. I don't look for, buy, or seek out "cute" workout clothes. This is clothing I intend to sweat in, not dress up in. Now this doesn't mean I don't WEAR workout clothes everyday... I DO!!!! But we're talking sweats and a tshirt that the What Not To Wear People would be very smart NOT to try to take away from me. Seriously... I don't think it would be misusing Taekwon-Do to defend my tshirts from those skinny fashionistas.

2. I don't want to make small talk while I'm working out. I want to yell at the machine, the television, the characters in whatever show I happen to be watching (Sorry Ben from the Bachelor... you don't even know that we've had a ton of words about your choices... pretty sure there's no way you can hear me). I don't want to have to think about anything other than whatever it is that is making me be able to finish whatever torture I am giving myself by working out.

3. I don't wear makeup when I DRESS UP, much less when I work out. I see people who spend as much time getting themselves "READY" to go to the gym as I would spend working out there. This seems counterproductive. If I wanted mascara running down my cheeks as I sweat and yell, I would call it WARPAINT, not makeup.

4. I'm not intimidated by the people who are already skinny, nor am I overwhelmed with the ones who clearly make it a job. But I DO NOT LOVE TO EXERCISE. So no, we don't have that in common. If I could get thinner by slowly chewing my own arm off instead of getting on that stupid recumbent bike, I would consider it.

5. I'm not looking to make friends when I can't possibly keep up. If I'm going to make friends and influence people, it's going to be when I'm doing what I do best... typing slightlysarcastic and amusing blog posts. Not when I'm sucking wind and trying not to scream because I feel like a hamster and there is NO CHEESE at the end of the ride.

6. The only thing perky about me is my personality. So when I see these ladies jumping and running and bouncing all over, all I can think is... there's not an undergarment in the world strong enough for me to be able to do that without injuring myself....

So there it is, folks... no one but me and The Bachelor when I work out. ;)

The Sole Shopping Survivor...A Mom surrounded by scavengers

Before I married my husband, I remember looking at him and his parents. His father and mother are exceptionally attractive people. Beautiful both inside and out. And honestly, scary young and healthy looking. And in the 18+ years we've been married, I've watched my husband grow to look more and more and more like his dad. And yet his parents remain vibrant, healthy, and just as young as they did the day we got married.

It sucks not to have that gene pool.

And then I look at my 2 boys... my 11 year old who has the metabolism of a mako shark (really.. have you ever seen a fat shark) but who has a healthy appetite and a joy for life... and my 13 year old who looks like he could be on Sally Struther's "Feed this Child for 29 cents a day" infomercial. AND WE DO FEED THEM...

So because all the men in my house don't gain weight or have any health issues other than being underweight, as the MOM who does all the groceryshopping... it's unnerving.

Here I am proclaiming my weight loss journey to the universe both on my blog, MFP and f/b to all my friends... and yet if you saw me in the grocery store, loading my cart up with chips and ice cream and treats because my boys not only CAN eat them but actually NEED the fat and such.... you'd be likely to look at my cart and say "oh really"...

But really, under all the crap I buy for them, is the single serve portions of my treats. And sometimes, just need to say it, THEY EAT THOSE TOO!!!!!!!

I have come home and discovered they have even eaten the carrots... or the yogurt.. that I hoped they wouldn't notice.

My oldest will turn his nose up at candy and instead of sweets will choose low fat crackers and hummus. My youngest would eat air popped popcorn every day. And yet I have to encourage them to either eat RIDICULOUS helpings of these treats or push the less healthy snacks on them. Their pediatrician (I kid you not) wants my oldest to have ice cream every night to try to make it ONTO the weight charts. And my husband still wears the same size he did when we got married. And he eats more than his fair share of crap too... and his cholesterol is ridiculously good.

I've offered to try to find a way to use the Dyson to suck the fat out of my thighs and donate it to my family. Until I have some way to do that, I guess my pantry will have to remain a battleground between good and evil, mine and theirs.

Bought me some "Carrot Chips" this week at Costco. See if they eat those. Dried carrots with a little sea salt. I don't even LIKE THEM but I'm hoping they don't either so when they sit down with their chips I can go to the closet and pull something out that will still have packages in the box!!!